Because I just can’t get over how much I hated “The Counselor”—and because I can’t wipe the image of Cameron Diaz having sex with a car out of my nightmares—I’ve come up with another post inspired by Ridley Scott and Cormac McCarthy.

In honor of Diaz and her Ferrari, I’ve compiled an abbreviated list of awkward and unnecessary—but relatively tame because this is a classy publication, mind you—love scenes. Squirm away.

The Wrestler

So “The Wrestler” is a fantastic movie, but the sex scene is not. Mickey Rourke—and I think most of you will agree with me when I say that I never, ever wanted to see Mickey Rourke “in the act”—meets a blonde bimbo at a bar who is obsessed with firemen and, within two minutes, they go at it in the grimy, poorly lit bathroom. She imitates siren calls the entire time.

Awful. Just awful.

Knocked Up

That scene where Katherine Heigl is pregnant. And Seth Rogen talks about poking the baby and…ugh. Nope. I can’t.

Twilight: Breaking Dawn

Like the entirety of the Twilight series, both of the sex scenes between Edward and Bella in “Breaking Dawn” parts I and II are just terrible. Edward breaks the bed, cracks the wall and destroys the curtains—he trashes the entire honeymoon suite for God’s sake. I mean, come on, Bella CANNOT be that great in bed.

Body Double

When I was 12, my mom found “Body Double” on Comcast’s free movies list and she thought it might be a “fun one” for the family to watch together, even though she’d never seen or heard of it before.

She ended up telling me to “keep my eyes closed” for most of the film.

Made in the ‘80s, “Body Double” features a number of super weird, super cheesy love scenes set to the space-y tones of a keyboard and wails of a sleazy saxophone.

In my favorite scene, the protagonist passionately makes out with a super hot brunette stranger in a tunnel after stalking her for quite some time. The camera spins around them as they lock lips and she makes so much noise it almost drowns out the keyboard—God forbid. Really they don’t even make out, they just flail around dramatically—they bump into each other repeatedly and can’t seem to find each other’s lips for love or money. While they’re writhing stupidly against each other, the top of the woman’s dress somehow manages to conveniently fall down, which brings the scene to a very Janet Jackson-style conclusion before the brunette runs away theatrically, the wind blowing through her luscious hair.

Anyway, the point is, I don’t let my mom choose family movies anymore.

Friday the 13th

In the abysmal 2009 “Friday the 13th” remake, two camping teens get it on in their tent until they are rudely interrupted by Jason Voorhees. Voorhees proceeds to hang the girl, who is still in her sleeping bag, over the fire, which creates an oven of sorts that burns her to death in front of her lover.

BUZZKILL.

Eyes Wide Shut

The orgy scenes in “Eyes Wide Shut” are simply too much. Everyone is wearing golden masks or cloaks. There is a “Master of Ceremonies.” A prostitute is sacrificed at the end. Tom Cruise is there.

It’s just too much.

Spring Breakers

Vanessa Hudgens and Ashley Benson from “Pretty Little Liars” take turns having sex with James Franco in the pool of his Florida mansion. This wouldn’t be that weird if Franco wasn’t styled to look like a wannabe gangster with a grill and cornrows. And if Hudgens had never starred in “High School Musical,” it might have been a bit more palatable. Given the circumstances though, the whole thing just seems like a joke.

Sex and the City 2

That’s Rikard.

An even better example of why filmmakers should just avoid sex scenes that take place on the hoods of cars—the backseat is there for a reason.

Toward the end of the film (which, let me just say, is absolutely atrocious) a menopausal Samantha has sex with a random guy named Rikard on the hood of a Jeep in the middle of some desert near Abu Dhabi.

I don’t even need to elaborate—you know.