I am a fan of monstrous, mythical beings in the way that I think octopuses are really metal for having suction cups that let them stick to things. In the same manner, I am a fan of hockey games in the way that I like seeing 20-year-old men get put into time-out for fighting with sticks. This combination of simple pleasures lent itself to me attending my first Seattle Kraken game. 

Upon my arrival at Climate Pledge Arena and following the discovery of my unfortunately drafty seat, I was, at once, enthralled by the theatrics of it all. Two jumbotrons (lovingly referred to as “The Twins” by announcers) lit up the arena, airing moody, harshly lit clips of each of the players as fans filled the seats. 

Signaling the start of the game, as if the timer ticking at the bottom of the screen wasn’t enough, a mediocrely-acted clip of a rugged, seemingly seafaring bartender recalling the legend of the aforementioned Kraken played. 

And certain men will claim that sports are superior to theater, as if they don’t indulge in dramatics unconvincingly veiled behind the guise of athleticism. 

After toiling over the irony of the above realization, I settled into watching the game. The Seattle Kraken played the San Jose Sharks Nov. 30, and not very well, I might dare to add. I rejoiced when, 17 seconds into the first period, Number 11 (Luke, as I am sure his friends refer to him), was put into time-out for holding a Mr. Gourde (Number 37). 

Unfortunately, “holding,” in this context, does not refer to the intimate act of wrapping one’s arms around another in a tender embrace, but instead is when a player restrains another player. Following the excitement of this penalty, the Sharks scored a goal in the first three minutes, which I suppose makes sense given the fact that sharks never stop swimming, even toward a little net with a padded man in front of it.

The rest of the first period was characterized by an aimless back and forth, with the Sharks blocking every attempted shot by the Kraken. At the end of the first period, the audience was “treated” to a guest appearance by Buoy, the Kraken mascot.

Now, I am no scientist, but it does seem rather perplexing that a hockey team that relies heavily on deep sea imagery and aquatic mythology in all their marketing and promotions would have a troll and not a kraken as its mascot. Yet, I digress.

Following my disappointment in Buoy’s ability to portray a compelling, believably friendly and spirited mascot, the second period began, and so did the action. The San Jose Sharks scored three goals this period while I sat in the arena wondering if we should cheer for both teams or only our local one. The Kraken scored one goal, and everyone cheered a lot more than they did for the Sharks, answering my previous question.

By the third period, it was evident to me, someone with very little understanding of hockey beyond the whole puck-in-goal concept, that the Kraken were crack-a-LACKING. This was made even more clear when forlorn- looking Kraken jersey wearers began leaving their seats 2/3 of the way through the period.

I, however, am loyal, and stayed until the end of the game. With less than a minute left, the Kraken scored another goal against the Sharks, bringing their score to 4-2. This score was temporary, however, as this last-minute goal was taken away for “goalkeeper interference.” 

After the crowd booed the referees, the jumbotrons played replays of the goal to show this interference. I had no idea what I was looking at, and I began to question why the National Hockey League (NHL) people couldn’t just give the Kraken the point anyway. They still weren’t going to win, might as well let them have a little joy.

Much to my dismay, the NHL folks are not as giving as I am, and took the point away. As Kraken fans frowned in their squid hats and moped in their tentacle gloves, the clock ticked down to mark the end of the third period, and of the game. 

The final score was 4-2 or 2-1, if we are simplifying the ratio as was so ingrained in me during my elementary years. While the Kraken were eaten by the Sharks that evening, I enjoyed the grandiosity of the whole hockey experience: jumbotrons, mini-movies, adult time-outs, an experimental DJ and all other merriments. 

However, I would like to discuss Buoy with the Kraken’s marketing director at their earliest convenience. There has to be a better mascot option.