It was hard to imagine that I would vote in my first presidential election while studying abroad in Germany. Yet, I found myself filling out and submitting my ballot almost a month ago. 

I will admit, the election has been a little far from my mind being over here. Even though a German’s favorite question after finding out you’re American is who you voted for, I did not spend a lot of time running up to this election thinking about it. It was kind of nice in a way. Ever since the 2016 election they have felt all-consuming. However privileged it may be, getting a respite from that was nice. 

I think another reason it fell from my mind was that I did not think it could go any way other than for Harris. I was trying to be cautiously optimistic, but I did not imagine a reality where our country was dumb enough to vote Trump into office again.

It didn’t seem fathomable. 

That was also the feeling of the many Germans I have talked about the election with. Most often when bringing up the U.S. election, they would comment about how much they wanted Harris to win. We had a guest speaker from an environmental startup in one of my classes who said that he thinks the future of environmental policy in the EU could depend on who wins the presidency. As someone who is in the environmental field, that’s terrifying, but not surprising. 

I wanted to watch more of the coverage on election night, but most of the votes started rolling in around midnight for me. After staying up late to watch some of it, I decided to go to bed, again, cautiously optimistic about the outcome.

And then I woke up Wednesday morning. And it was like waking up the morning after the 2016 election all over again. The worst part was I had to stew in my own shock and disappointment for hours before anyone in the U.S. woke up to talk about it with me.

None of this seemed remotely possible. It was shocking to see just how many people in the U.S. were voting against what I believe to be basic human dignity. Trump is a convicted felon, a rapist, a sexist, a racist, a xenophobe, a fascist dictator. And a majority of the country wants him to be President. And now I have to go about my day like normal because I am in Germany. It’s news to them, but my whole entire life.

I’m probably still going to have a lot of conversations with Germans about this election. They’re probably going to be very confused on how we let this happen. I am not excited for that topic to come up. Maybe I’ll start telling people I’m Canadian. 

The hardest part of this is knowing I have to go back to the U.S. Before today, I was excited about being halfway through my program. While I am enjoying my time here immensely, I am also a creature of habit. I miss familiarity, I miss my friends and family and my cats. But now that countdown feels like a ticking time bomb. What will I even be going back to?

I know that I will likely be relatively insulated from much of what may come out of another Trump presidency. I have immense privilege in being from Oregon and going to school in Washington. But I feel broken for the rest of the country. Him being able to win does not give me much hope for the future of this country. I thought we were moving toward progress, but in reality we have been moving backward. I truly do not know where we go from here. How do we move on with a country so divided?

While I am still excited for the rest of my time being abroad, there is a looming cloud of dread over everything now. I get to come back to the U.S. just in time for Trump to be inaugurated into his second term as president. I may have already lived through one Trump presidency, but I fear that this one may be much worse. That doesn’t make the prospect of returning all that exciting.

The World keeps turning. Tomorrow my German professor will probably ask how we are feeling about the election because we didn’t have class today. And I will be back in the U.S. in a month and a half. Such is life, but I wish it didn’t feel so bleak sometimes.