The following editorial was written as satire.
My fellow students; we are faced with a difficult time. A global epidemic is upon us and no country is beyond its reach. On January 31, the United Nations declared a worldwide state of emergency due to a dramatic increase in the number of reported cases of the terminal illness being called “adulthood.”
Countless cases concerning “feelings of accomplishment” have arisen while many more people have tested positive for symptoms of accountability and freedom. These sinister side effects of this growing trend are the main impetus for concern among the populace.
“It’s like, suddenly I was responsible for my own actions,” sophomore nursing major Ivanna B. Adokture said as she wiped a tear from her eye.
7 out of 5 meteorologists agree that this “adulthood” is a real problem, while 68 percent of engineers question the relevance and accuracy of the previous statistic; 20 percent of North Americans could care less, about 1 in 13 think it is about time and 10 out of 10 statisticians hate their jobs.
Junior marketing major Arthur Seller noted that he “no longer felt the urge to throw dirt or pick his nose…resulting in much confusion on how to spend [his] free time.”
This is not the first time humans have faced such a threat. Someone who read a book noted that a similar trend occurred in the early 20th century; consequently, Justin Bieber is being scientifically reanimated in an attempt to ascertain the recipe for lemon curry and also determine a plan to quell the catastrophic effects of growing up.
“I remember when my kids were so little,” said full-time mother and part- time mom Karen Luv. “Sseems like only yesterday they didn’t even have bank accounts.” Luv went on to show us nearly 4000 photographs of her offspring and at one point said, “why does it happen so fast?”
Naturally, in the search for answers the public has hastily jumped to conclusions, blaming the popular breakfast cereal “Life” which—thanks to misinterpretation and Internet memes—led to the mass denunciation of the popular board game “Life” resulting in its recent ban in several countries.
Other unsubstantiated theories regarding the sudden trend blame fossil fuels, the McRib and Barack Obama.
Leading scientists are still deliberating over potential causes and cures but have hinted that this newly termed “aging” may be a direct result of proper nutrition and the passage of time. If this is in fact true, the circumstances may be far grimmer than previously imagined.
In this dark, responsible and financially independent hour we can only patiently wait for answers. In the meantime, I advise you to cherish your time; hug a loved one, smell a daffodil, eat a funnel cake.
I leave you with a quote by Voltaire—“I thought you were gonna pay the phone bill.”
— Chris Salsbury, Copy Chief
