A lot of people don’t know this about me, but I really love sports. Well, at least, I used to.

I was brought up on college football—Stanford, specifically—with my first football game at the ripe age of six weeks. Until I was 13, I went to every Stanford home game, cheering on greats like Teyo Johnson and getting way too pumped up for the annual Big Game against Cal.

Does that mean I remember anything about football? You can bet your sorry rear I don’t.

Although being a fan of a NFL team is quite different from being a college football fan, I believe that I have the perfect way for those of you (like myself) watching this year’s Super Bowl on Feb. 2 to fake your way through it. Even though I don’t believe I will actually be watching the game myself, as classwork takes up way too much time, I hope the following list will help you all.

1. Yell colloquialisms, like “Come on!”, “Bad call ref!” and “Aw yeah!”
I don’t really know why, but people tend to get really worked up over football—heck, I may have acted this way once myself, but I think it was more of an extraction from the surrounding spectators than my own emotions. If you want to appear to look like you know what’s happening, just yell phrases like those listed above, and pray to Morgan Freeman that your friends and family are too drunk to notice if you mess up.

2. Sit yourself by the snacks.
Who said you had to actually pay attention to the game? Depending on where you’re heading to watch the game, there could be such delicious treats like cheese balls, deviled eggs, sugar cookies… My mouth is already watering. Why would anyone be interested in watching grown men hit each other over a pigskin for three hours when you could be indulging in some loaded nachos? Forget about calories and avoid social interaction while you nom your face off.

3. Listen to your iPod.
Did you see the most recent episode of “Parks and Recreation” where Ron Swanson (Nick Offerman) completely ignored his coworkers in favor of listening to Bob Dylan? Now’s your chance to do just that.

4. Play with the kids.
If there are kids present, it’s quite probable that they do not want to be watching the game either. If you are not intoxicated and actually like kids, why not entertain them? Play some Apples to Apples, Monopoly or just gold ol’ Go Fish. Just make sure not to whip out Cards against Humanity.

5. Make a friend.
There’s most likely someone else at the Super Bowl party that you’re at that does not like football either. They will probably be doing the same things as you—awkwardly sitting on the couch when everyone else is screaming or cussing, stuffing their face with chips whenever another person asks them what they think of a certain player, etc. I recommend not only befriending your fellow party-straggler, but cementing your friendship with sarcasm. Who doesn’t love sarcastic comments?

Have a great time on Sunday y’all! Go Seahawks!